I fell asleep one day during a thick and meaningless hour of which I can’t and have no longing to recall. I rose from my seat and drifted into a scene that now, after careful thought and many formed and aptly discarded theories, I can only attribute to my own disgust with my then and current state of mind and lack of any comforting form of even tired complacency. The scene was that of a cold and lifeless figure with eyes of stone and the swaggered movements of a timely facade that I knew was not and could not have been feigned; for I knew it all the well. I immediately recognized the figure as a rather short and averagely built male, middle aged and careworn. His hands no longer trembled as he carried out his day to day tasks, though how I knew that said hands once had trembled, I knew not. His eyes were glazed with the look of deepest and sincere longing that had long faded into calloused and sterile saucers of self forced ease. His shoulders were hunched over causing his height to dwindle even more-so; so weak and frail and yet firm in his lowly stature. His appearance was such; as if a gust of wind could blow right along past him and, instead of proceeding to blow him over as would be expected likewise of other frail creatures, would take a little of him along with it possibly to discard over the landscapes of it’s later travels. I wanted to reach out and offer him a resolution or some form of instantaneous hope but my fingers curled back into my chilled palm as I realized that I wasn’t capable of producing the words that would consol him. For what seemed like days I drifted and watched as his movements and speech each blended together. I glanced toward the clear glass pane that walled the southern part of the enclosure in which he sat.
Suddenly my waning attention was drawn quickly to a flurry of movement to the left of the enclosure. Outside and seemingly unknown to the careworn shadow and sole occupant of my previous cognitive state sat a small boy upon a wooden swing set. His playful smile was so illuminating, so absorbing, wholly commanding in my fullness of attention, that I almost failed to notice the smallish brown-eyed woman alongside him. Her hair, filled with morning dew and sparkling in the sunlight cast tiny white reflections on the side of the glassy enclosure. Movement from the right drew my attention back to the careworn figure confined. His face was now pressed longingly against the glass, tears streaming down his cheeks already beginning to form small pools at his feet. A wave of the sincerest longing came upon me like an icy wind on a reasonably calm night; ruthless and without the slightest amount of warning.
My knees buckled and my heart raced. My palms perspired and my shoulders ached. My former calm? Thy name was fire; ablaze with retention and burning desire.
As my consciousness began to undulate as the scene began to fade I found myself awake and alone in a primitive state. Recollection and anamnesis are often the most destructive of human abilities, BUT past possible precognition is a hell of which words cannot bear meaning.
It is now that I strive to forget the scene in which I have just described; the scene in which I cannot bear; the scene that I will NOT let come into being. A wise man once said that the core of man’s existence comes from new experiences. I will experience. I will adapt. I will persist. I will discover. I will love. Though the faces and in the sunlight depiction outside my glassy prison may yet still futuristically exist, they will have changed in way, shape and form; new personalities, new dreams, and veracious devotion. Time bears truths; some unfolding, others in waiting.
A Prayer: Let that in which will unfold, unfold. Let that in which lay in wait, be revealed. Reveal to me my true earthly guiding star. Let her be unto me an angelic presence; delicate, pure, enlightening, intriguing, encompassing, comforting, faithful, and uplifting. I wait for Your instruction. I wait for Your direction. I wait for Your revelation.
May my love (which begins now through earnest prayer) eclipse any inadequate definition of “love” this world has to offer making my presence known to her as her presence is made known to me. Show me a manner in which to love that sets fire, that cannot be ignored, and that is pleasing to You.
Show me how to love.
I have so much yet to give, and I long with an earnest and humble heart to simply give it.
Today I begin the rest of my life.
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