I begin today’s blog in a much better mood and demeanor. For weeks now I’ve been in constant prayer for a sense of peace. Though I’ve already blogged about this and spoken to many of you about it, I feel compelled to speak on it again. Yes, it’s true I have been experiencing a peace at times throughout the day that makes absolutely no sense at all in my life’s current circumstances. I attribute that to your constant prayers and concerns of which I am very grateful for. This peace, however, has been short lived at best and quickly dissipates in time.
Time is a bittersweet foe. Many songs and pieces of poetry have been written regarding the “plague” of time’s toll on us all. Best said, time is not on your side. Time alone is even worse. Time alone serves one purpose. It gives the person in question real “time” to deal with their own problems on their own – simply stated. When in difficult times we look to friends and distractions to get our mind off of the trials in our own lives. While these “distractions” provide a short lived sense of comfort, they can be ultimately damaging because they postpone our having to deal with our problems.
I’ve always been a fairly confrontational person. So, I like to deal quickly and get my problems taken care of right away. I DO NOT like to let things simmer or sweep things under the rug. That being said, I feel that I’m utterly incapable of benefiting from said “distractions”. I often take little comfort in the presence of anything that is attempting to distract me from my looming problems. I am unable to focus and unable to be still. I am just a fairly weird individual. I am definitely NOT an avoider. In my opinion, problems are best taken care of right away before any more damage can be done. That’s simply my personal opinion and nothing more.
So what happens when it becomes impossible to take care of or confront your problems? This is a very tricky question for me because in situations that involved two or more parties, problems cannot be confronted or solved unless all who are involved are willing to begin reconciliation and take the steps necessary to be rid of the offending sense of despondency. When it becomes impossible for confrontation and resolution to occur, I become very weak and helpless; powerless and resentful. How does one such as I get past said situation?
I began to pray for peace. I began to pray for a peace that would wash over my mind and heart; calming my erratic thoughts and overwhelmed being. I can’t tell you that I received this peace immediately. I can’t tell you that once I began to earnestly seek after it, there it arrived. I can’t tell you that I still don’t have minor break downs throughout the day. BUT, I can’t tell you that today is the very first day in a long time where I woke to find myself overjoyed with restored hope and a peace that surpasses all understanding.
I don’t know how it occurred or when exactly I began to experience this. I have an idea, but am still searching for meaning and definite answers in scripture and my own life. I pray that this would be a lasting peace especially this weekend. I pray that this new hope would remain alive and strong allowing me to continue on without regret or shame.
My day yesterday was a crazy down-up day emotionally. Upon awaking, I felt hopeless and filled with doubts and ultimate fears. I began to dwell on those, which provided zero comfort or relief; quite the opposite, BUT did allow my to gather a much needed perspective on my life and my circumstances. My head has been so clouded with so many emotions in this last week that I believe I have failed at times to think logically. Yesterday, I began that thought process, which isn’t over but has begun. I believe that logic and the ability to decipher one’s own scattered thought processes are a gift from God.
After a day of intense logic based situational soul searching I had the opportunity to meet up with an old friend. The night took a complete turn from the moment we began speaking, due to the fact that I have a problem not speaking about my own problems and began to ramble about my goings on of which, unbeknownst to me, she was very much able to identify with. It is always very comforting to connect with someone who has gone through a similar circumstance. I value these opinions above most.
Many of you have been there for me throughout my entire ordeal and given me mountains of advice, which I very much appreciate and take into consideration even when I don’t actually “take” your advice. That being said, I am very much appreciative of everyone’s love and concern. Had to say that so as not to have offended anyone with my previous statement.
Being able to listen and identify with someone who has been a very similar place as yourself, who has come out ok, is a very uplifting experience. I’m very thankful to find people like this in my life.
Enough rambling – So, the night was great and I had a chance to re-live some great memories and simply hang out and catch up with a good friend who’s presence was very comforting. I look forward to more nights like last night that help to place perspective on things and move past my own problems in the direction of a better life with new hopes and ambitions.
About all that was said about “distractions” earlier; this was not a distraction but a tremendous help to me in moving through and out of this sea of reclusive disparity I’m been dwelling in for too long. To be clear – a distraction would be someone or something that would try to take my mind off my situation completely. AND, in conclusion to my night, I was in fact able to free my mind for a good while of my own trials and begin to see new views and a real light at the end of all this.
So, thank you very much those of you who have provided me with counsel or simply listened to my rambling not just in this situation, but throughout my life in it’s entirety. But a special thanks to those of you, especially my friend last night, who do very much relate to what I’m going through and have provided me with comfort and counsel throughout.
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:4-6
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