Freewriting - Sept 1, 2010

There is a fire in me; a fire that burns - hungry, impatient, greedy, and lean.

There is a restlessness that entrances, ensnares, and incapacitates my thought processes'.

What can I do?

Where can I go?

I feel like I need something to do.

I FEEL like I need somewhere to go.

Doing. Doing. Always Doing. NEED to be doing something.

Going. Going. Always Going. NEED to be going somewhere!

I can't bear to pass through Hell again.

I can't bear that emptiness EVER again.

I WILL NOT come out of that abyss alive should I ever sink back into it's depths.

The ONLY way to avoid that crushing blackness is to abstain; to bury myself; to hide away from everything and everyone.

I couldn't DO anything. I couldn't GO anywhere. I would need to be still.

I don't do "still".

There is a fire in me; a passion that rages - ravenous, caring, devoted, and tired.

There is a lover lying dormant just beneath the surface fueled by the oil in my skin.

… ARE A "DELICIOUS TORMENT!"

… ARE A "WICKED TEASE!"

If I was smart I would ignore. If I was learned I would shut my eyes. If I was……

What's the point, for I am none of these!

I am not smart. I am not learned.

I am AWAKE!

… brought this upon me!

… have awoken a passion I put to death long ago!

Now, what else can I do?

I tire of foolish games.

I tire of round about ways.

Give me that which is real.

Give me that which is substance.

Give me that which is quality

and sure as Hell, I will honor my own vows.

I will stand firm.

I always was firm.

I never ran.

I never hid.

I never lied.

Of these things I still am.

I am no cretin!

I am no liar!

I am no prefabricator!

I am no LIAR!

Could you ever believe such claims?

If you are smart you won't, BUT the ONLY way to test my word is to place your faith in me, however small at first, and, oh, see how I will make it grow; see how I will make it bloom; see how I will make it truth.

I'm tired of lying dormant.

Release me from suspension, and see how the fire will spread.

But only if you dare to dream of truth; only if you dare to dream of something real.

I don't know where to close. I don't know where to end. I know that as soon as the pen lies still, my mind will once again begin to heave.

Expression through meaningless? words.

I certainly hope not.