My mind has been "alive" for the past few weeks. I've spent a great deal of energy and time post first quarter numbing myself out; playing part and surrounding myself with a consistent battery of distractions. In my own experience, distractions are very dangerous. Distractions can bring about a false sense of security, a false sense of placidity, and a false sense of reality. It's only when temporarily deprived of said distractions does one find his or herself left alone to dwell in actuality. Deprivation can be forced by many different hands; in my case a lack of funding can reflect my current forced state. Intoxication is the greatest of all distractions.
So what exactly does one do when forced to stand up and face the demons that have not disappeared or dissipated but only been masked and hidden by fleeting feelings and temporary resplendency? This is a question I have wrestled with for a few weeks now; how best to move forward. Although I'm still not clear, I've sought out counsel from a few very wise friends who have all given me great advice of which I've weighed over and again against what my own heart and mind bid me do. Although friendly advice is always welcomed and appreciated, more times than not, I find myself acting on my own impulses rather than the advice of others. It's a glorious downfall.
My heart and mind often lead me darker places that only delay from coming out of the state of suspension I've long been accustomed to. But here's the real kicker - Am I weak for taking the easy way out, taking the advice of friends, starting a new life, placing the proverbial old me into a blender and forcing the very basic makeup of that bloody amalgamation into a new shape and form? On the other end of the spectrum I find myself wondering if perseverance really does pay off. We hold traits like tireless devotion, being steadfast, being true to ourselves and others, and unconditional and unwavering love to such a high standard, but do we actually believe in the payoff? Do others actually recognize these traits as precious and hard to come by?
My point being that to possess these traits often leads to a life lived however long in longing, a life lived in pain, and a life lived in suspension. Is there a light at the end of the long and dark tunnel that these traits seem to create? Is the goal unreachable? There's no real way to know. I grew up being taught that those who persevere, although they may face many trials and become accustomed and defined by pain, ultimately are rewarded with that in which they long have strived for. Do I really believe that? Because on the contrary, if I don't, then I could end up living a pained life of longing only to die an old man bitter and unsatisfied. It's very dangerous thinking and a far greater risk.
In closing, I'm dreading what my now sober mind is causing me to consider. I'm dreading these next few months as I feel I'll begin to see my next year of life take shape; where I'll be and what I'll be doing. As a fool constantly driven by my own dreams and a heavily burdened heart, I suspect the answers in which I seek will not bring me any peace. A man driven by a seemingly unquenchable fire is doomed to live a faded life of longing.
I am that man fading.
